NEED TO WAFFLE

For Those who do and dont know

2012-01-25T12:49:00.004Z

MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY BOYS FATHER IS OVER AND I AM MOVING OUT ON SUNDAY TO A DIFFERENT HOME,

yes its been a long time in comming but after all my CBT Therapy helping me see things very different and certain things happening in home life both My Parter of 26 years and I decided to call it a day, this time round it was his suggestion that things were wrong and him feeling trapped ect ect ect but if it had not come from him it would have come from me again but his never listened to who knows so from now on it's about me and my boys..
I am in the middle of packing and move on Sunday, yes its going to be very different from what i am used to but i am sure the boys and I will get there..

I will update when I am up and running in the rented house

Twitter

2011-10-26T16:00:00.003+01:00

I just love Twitter, I did join up some years ago but never really got into it, but as FB (Facebook) seems to be dying a slow and painful death i have returned to twitter,, and it's great, i know i do have some lovely friends who have found some stuff i say a little shocking if not very tarty, but I can be me, and most of the people there are total strangers who follow me and i follow back.. and No one juges me for the things i say, there is a side to me that has been hidden for many years and since therapy i have chilled and relaxed a little.. Does it matter if i get my boobs out for Charity, or tweet to some very handsome men or very pretty ladies and have a great laugh.. there is no reason why i should think about what others think about the stuff i write,, so for now i will just carry on being me as i like it.. if you want to follow me then go here and add me

A difference in me

2011-10-26T15:56:00.003+01:00

well not sure what's happened to me really, but i feel really good and very positive that i can shake this negative side away.. I have so much more confidence which is really good, i mean i could never strike up a conversation with a total stranger, but i have done a few times now and it feels good, i am loosing more weight which is great as it just makes me feel better and better about Me, and No one has the right to tell me that i look fat etc, in fact i know that i am pretty and sexy and its just starting to sink into my brain.. and i am beginning to accept it.. But it's taken time:)

Reumination

2011-10-18T22:09:00.003+01:00

ok its a long word for me and one i didn't understand until a couple of weeks ago, see what Wikipedia says here .. its basically where you go over and over things in a vicious circle in your head most of which are all negative emotions.

Since my CBT sessions started about 6-7 weeks ago but been 5 times and 1 phone call i have learnt over the years i have become a habitual ruminator.. It's a horrid thing to have, but can be made worse in certian situations, I know for many years that i have kinda been unhappy but never really knew why, put it down to lots of things to do with me or my partner, but a series of events in my Child hood has lead to my future of most things being negative and mostly my fault.

I have been living with this great guy and I know he is, for the past 26 years, I met him when i was 15 and he was 17, were been engaged 22 years now, but we have ended up in circles countless times.

we have blamed it on all sorts of things even having a son born with CHD, partner building a home, outside factors with family members all sorts, but with me having my panic attack at the drs lots has come out, mostly my past but i do have this negativity now in the present and i dont want it in my furture..

Now this man i live with, his a typical country lad, worked on a farm since he was 14, but his Childhood was far far worse than mine, parents split up when he was 18 months old, his sisters 6-7 years older than him were the care givers as mum worked, so any loving he got was sisterly love, never motherly or father, and never experience partental love like seeing his parents cuddle like I did, his father was also a bad man but wont bput on here why.. so as a result this lad i live with has issues, and is emotionless, tactless when is comes to talking as he cannot and wont open up, wont tell me much at all.. but recently we did have a talk i needed some reassuance that were were ok, this happens when you have a negative mind, but when you don't get the reassuance it gets upsetting, its not his fault or mine, but between him being tactless in saying things how he feels, and me jumping to conculsions i had it in my head that he wanted our relationship to end., Although he never said that at all thats my mind jumping to the conclusion and this circulating my mind in a spiral.. I am being taught different mind games of distraction like doing something else, breathing excercises, listening to music to focus the mind,..

But after speaking with theapist yesterday she reassured me that although us talking did not actually reach any conclusion about us safe in our relationship, he does love me in his own way he can show even if it appears cold to me he does love me and struggles to show it, but he opened up that he has deep issue that he may need to talk to someone about.. I want to help him as i think if he address's his issues as well as me, then i think we can move on a little better, but i am not allowed to be pushy, all i can do is say to him maybe in a few weeks time (as he as only addressed his issues) that i have a number he can use to do a self referal, thus bypassing any dr, but for now i will continue with my therapy and talking, also my mind altering thoughts this may help my partner too, his willing to listen which is good and the therapist say's that my partners wants me to carry on talking, yes its going to be hard some days but it will get better i am sure..

Thank-you

2011-10-10T09:47:00.004+01:00

Many thanks to those who took the time to fill in my poll, its aim is to help me understand that anxiety is Normal, but people do have different reasons for their anxiety, but also when its good to be anxious and not so good. Also some people don't care what others like either, when i have hidden my anxiety for years and its been a bad thing in my family to show your worries, as both my parents and grand-parents on both sides hid any worries from us kids very well, sometimes it was good to hide it other times it best to be open with it..

I go later today to see my therapist so will let you know how it's gone

More Info

2011-10-09T11:38:00.004+01:00

Ok my poll may not be the right thing but its helping a bit but i didn't realise you could only tick one box, if you do or do not suffer with anxiety please e-mail me on debbieware87@googlemail.com as to whether it bothers you, or what others think of you because of it, many thanks Debbie

Polls

2011-10-09T11:24:00.004+01:00

I have done 2 polls which i need some answers for for Monday to help with my CBT (cognigtive Behaviorial Therapy,, please can you help me out here.
Anxiety/Nervousness

and this one

What makes you Anxious/Nervous

Things are on the up

2011-10-05T09:43:00.002+01:00

Never really know how to start my blog but here goes, things with CBT are going rather well, as in me getting a little more assertive with people, but it is also very scary time for me too, i have been stuck in the passive for so long that to think of different ways or to tell people how you really feel is quite hard, and at times i find my brain does this magic trick with me and makes pretty flashing lights inside my brain when i try to sleep, rather like its making new connections or something, also things have been hidden for so long i am now facing them,, the downside is my partner is not too keen on a more vocal me but he did say last night that he may not like some things i say but its his problem and not mine, and if it helps me to tell him what i feel or think then its better for me just to say it even if he dont like it, but i have noticed that his been sighing lots just lately..

oh and what is assertiveness, see this PDF here it makes some tough reading sometimes

I have also started a maths course for adults, its called Brush up on your maths run by the local colleges/councils I have been put in for a level 2 City and Guilds and yes i know i can do this level, and its very good to know that my brain is still working and not just baby mush that i first thought. But i do know i need to do a English course too.. so will start looking soon..

Charlie is settling well into college life although it is a rather long day for him and his totally shattered at the end of the day but its doing him the world of good..

CBT Negativity

2011-09-26T10:05:00.004+01:00

Over the years i have become a very negative person with myslef, disbeleiver ect, this is down to the verbal abuse from my brother, father and bullies at school, all along the lines of your fat, your hairy (i had a undiagnosed medical condition as a child) My father once told me i had puppy fat, trouble was it was a St Bernard Puppy,, one huge dog, at the time yes hit hurt and no i wasn't fat

This is a St Berndard Puppy

although its a sweet puppy they grow into huge dogs.. but i can say that the Therapy is helping, there are lots i can see why things happened and why i feel like i do, but the aim is to stop being negative with myself and eventully lean to deal with pain to get my dental treatment done,

Just pretty sad I allowed my brother to get away with it, which ended in my fella walking all over me too but things are changing for the better,,

CBT

2011-09-26T09:43:00.003+01:00

I feel that many people at some point in there lives get stressed, anxious and even have panic attacks for what seem to appear from out of the blue, well i am no exception to the rule, I know since a small child i have been a loveing caring person but with a anxious edge, many things i hate, dislike, (spiders, worms, Heights, Robots, Clowns, Dentists, Needles and Pain) what i never knew was why,, if there was a reason i never knew until 2 months ago..

The Reason i found myself in CBT was a huge panic attack in the Dentist, i was only supposed to have a filling done but ended up totally in panic and as a result no filling.. to be honest i had been having odd panic attacks for about 2 years but not knowing what they were, i kinda carried on, i mean my heart would race, i would feel like i had fizzy in my blood they were the early ones but i would have bigger ones out shopping, the biggest that scares me was when i was food shopping, i had been diagnosed with low iron stores, not quite anemia but no iron to fall back on should body need it, energy was all time low and (sorry guys) period were all over the place but got to every 2 weeks, well i was happily shopping for dinner as partner was comming home from working in Dubai,, i wanted everything right for Him, I say him and not me as that how my brain works, (make others happy and sod myself) well my heart started to race, fizzy blood, my breathing went odd cold sweat, and yes i truly thought i was going to do,, what happened next was bizzare, i paid for shopping and drove to drs saying i was dying, but it never occured to me that if i was dying then how the heck did i manage to drive to drs ?????.. drs confirmed I was not dying but indeed had a panic attack..

jumping forward a few months as i had a hysterectomy and recoverying well i put myself back on the CBT list,, I have had 3 sessions now there usually weekly but the therapist has had a holiday..

The CBT Therapist has confirmed i have a Phobia to pain which is a odd phobia really, ok no one really likes pain but the reason are my own reason.. when i was a child my father worked nights ect and my mother stayed in with us well until she seemed my elder brother (there is only me and him) was old enough to look out for me, that my mum started to go for a evening coffee with a lady down our road, nothing wrong in that, except for the words to my brother,, your the eldest your in charge, simple words really but my brother took them as Gospel.. so i edured mental and verbal and physical abuse (not sexual.. He would ask me to fight him, he would get me to scratch his back, stand in goal in the garden except i was not allowed to touch the ball,, the times it him my stomach was unreal, i had bruises daily, he would slap my face, pince it, called me names ect,, I told my mum and dad what he did to me all those years ago and as he came up with smart answers, oh she fell down the stairs, or she banged into the front door anything but admit he hurt his sister, that my partents never listened to me always him.. The reason i have the pain phobia is down to the fact if i never did as he told me i would get a thump,, so i tend to stay away from things, Robots is cause it think they will get me and when i say robots I mean this one Titan i love him, think his great but i have to hide to see him so he dont see me.. will carry on update on new post

2011-09-26T09:33:00.002+01:00

The past Month has been a bit of a Blurr really, my youngest Josh, started back to school at the beginning of Sept, his a big boy now, age 5 and year 1 here Josh has settled in very well at school, his very quite, but he does love to read his books when he comes home. Last week my eldest Charlie started College he goes to Moulton..He has Chosen to do Agriculture level 2 as he did well in his GCSE exams.. Which I am so Proud as he has had educational support since the age of 5. You May ask why Agriculture, well it's been in his dads family for a few years, Charlie's grandad who he no longer sees (due to family crap) was a pig farmer for many many years, and Charlies own dad worked on a local farm from the age of 14 until 22, so Charlie wants to carry on, but we do not own a farm,, then next step for him is to get a placement on a farm so he can get some knowledge too..I am working on that now, but its not easy..

me, well I am doing well, I have been referred to have some CBT thats congnigtive Behavourial Therapy and nothing to do with the motorcycle testing..

will update on seperate post

Long Awaited update

2011-09-26T09:30:00.001+01:00

I know, I know its been ages since i updated my blog and probably lost many follwers/readers as a result, I suppose you can say the reason for lack of updates is life, just sometimes it gets in the way.. over the months i seem to realise that when i spend time on the PC my life needs a check or things have got a bit dull, but the good thing is as I have been away from blogging, things are pretty good right now.. I will now update you all,, in next post

Been Busy Again

2011-07-21T22:23:00.004+01:00

It seems that Life gets in the way sometimes of a good old waffle, Unless you follow me on twitter which i seem to be lately, but i never seem to get time to sit and write a update on here.. well a week ago today on the 13th my youngest turned 5, god knows how that happened but time seems to have whizzed us by since having a 2nd Child, and already its comming to the start of school holidays, i mean tomorrow Josh breaks up and finish's being a owl in reception class and will be in year 1 in september, yes scary i know but its how its supposed to be.. i mean there are so many people i know whos children will never get to move on as they passed away, but i am forever gratefull for what i do have,, and sorry at the same time for my friends..

Charlie as you know has now finished school totally and awaiting results for college so in the meantime his been so helpful at home, well in the garden actually, cutting grass, helping me with clearing a very over grown brook/ditch that runs along our garden.

On Sunday i am taking part in bedfords race for life so if you want to sponsor me, feel free to use the widget top right, i am doing in memory of my uncle who passed a way a year in september comming, its my first ever one also.. the fundraising has been slow but every £1 helps,,,

well going to end for know and will try to add some photos later

Had a Clear Out

2011-04-05T13:14:00.003+01:00

As its been a while since I have done a proper update, I have removed all but 3 posts, if there needs to be a reason its cause lots of what i posted was when I was in a really low point in myself so as i feel so much better I have removed most of what i call a old me that i dont want to be reminded off.

Those of you who know me via various places mostly support groups and FB, will know that i had a Hysterectomy in January, was not a surprise and quite frankly very welcomed. The Recovery went very well and to date no real problems just hormones settling, but the Hysterectomy is part and parcel what have made me feel so much better..

I am comming up to 13 weeks post op and whilst i can do most stuff, some things i have to be carefull off as to not to strain the tummy area too much..

Charlie has had to stop rowing, which is a shame but there are reasons for this mostly cause of lack of coaches for him and soon to be off to college in september this year also, so it was best all round to stop as he has missed so much valuable training this winter..

Charlie is currently getting ready to take GCSE's this year and things look promersing for him that he will get the grades needed to go to the college of his Choosing, which is Moulton ..

We have also just gone past 16 years since his open Heart Surgery, well 2 weeks back now 24th March but his home date was 1st April,, and his doing very well..

Josh well his totally different, in fact I think he was swapped with a proper monkey in the maternity hospital when I had him.. He is full on, well full on for me anyway, but i am not really complaining it's nice to have 2 very different boys, he is doing well at Lower School, he reading is comming on very well and he so loves to draw, and write too. He is a little boy as was Charlie but Josh has got some fight in him i can tell you,, he tells the bigger ones what to do in Nursery..

well will go now, but hope to be back sooner for a update

Never know what to put here

2010-09-22T09:25:00.002+01:00

well since I last posted back in June,, Josh started school in reception class which is called owls, he goes 2 full days and 3 mornings at the moment, has a school uniform and has school dinners, which he does seem to be eating very well according to the teachers one of the best, although Josh does want packed lunches as his best friend does but i am not sure wether to give in or not, considering he is better with a dinner midday and doesn't mean he has to wait till daddy comes home to eat his dinner at 7 when daddy arrives home.

Charlie has returned to school in to year 11 which could be his final year at school, eek, best get him to college lol well he does fancy doing engineering or farm machinery at a college called Moulton
so I have phoned up for paper work but nothing has arrived yet,, he is also rowing and has gone back to the club after school hols into the J15 squad where he is the only member and will have 1-1 coaching for a little while to get his confidence up a bit, he has also been allowed to join the J17/18 traning for a little while, whilst his coach is on holiday, but true to form when things are planned things go wrong, Poor Charlie has had a sore throat, runny nose and eyes plus a cough and been on antibiotics last week and was of school and training,,, this week he had a school trip yesterday and late home so now coaching, his he going today, but tomorrow we have a funeral to attend and due to timings of that Charlie wont get to the first part, but hey the funeral is a must its my uncle,, those who know my uncle has had cancer of the esophugus for 2 years now and all of a sudden that was it, he passed in his sleep after a bout of pneumonia that he just could not get rid off even with 5 lots of antibitics and it eventually went to his brain :( he was 65 so not old really, ok its not young compared to all the children we loose but 65 is young in a man these days espcially when you think there planning on raising the retiring age,,

Me well I am just me, lots to be happy about and lots to moan about too but i wont for know as I need to see a gyne first before I start moaning too much as don't know what I am dealing with, well thats on the 5th October so not long to wait..

Martin well he is the same, he tries to be better but his trying is very trying at times but in his grumpy kinda way he is happy but he just cant show it lol..

The Gaps just get longer,

2010-06-09T15:13:00.003+01:00

I suppose life in general gets in the way with my blog writing, whats happened since Feb, not a lot really, Charlie turned 15 in Feb, so now heading towards 16,, Martin went to Dubai for 8 weeks, I ended up really poorly with Low Iron Reserves and now on tablets for a while,, well till mid June then i can have a weeks break and a blood test and see whats going on,. Josh is still little soon to be 4 in july but he needs to see the dr soon to see if he had grown much in 6 months, if not then they want to do tests, not sure what to do really,, but he notices himself that he is far shorter than his peers, but his happy and on the go all the time and as far as we know, there are no health issues for why..

The Sad news is that my Nan passed away 6th May at the grand age of 96 and after a bout of bronchitus and there was no going back, she then decided not to eat or drink for the latter 6 weeks, really feel for my mum and aunts, my mum is in mid 60s and lost her mum, my nan has always been there, when all other grandparents when years ago..

Charlie is doing some GCSE's at the moment and will do some more next year, but I have great problems in trying to get him to revise or come up with a plan to help him remember stuff better,,

Also he is rowing and getting Better and better, he has taken part in 2 races so far and another one comming up on saturday at our local river, when he will be rowing a single Scull again as he is the only 15 year old lad, so in races he is on his own until the younger ones catch up to his age or he catches up with the current 16 year olds.. but he is really enjoying it, but were still in the first year,, and building up his stamina,

josh will be started 2 full days and 3 mornings from september at nursery,, currently does 5 mornings,, come jan he will be full time, :( gosh time flys by..

me on the other hand i am fine, sorting out my big birthday but its going to be more like a celebratiory drink with food as apposed to disco, have had some replies back,, so at least I am not billy no mates..

take care for now..

Family Trees

2009-03-20T15:40:00.002Z

I know I have not been anywhere for a while as in support groups, Blogs, Facebook ect and thats cause my time has been taken up with doing my family tree.. I have so far with the help of some very useful dates managed to trace my Great Great Great Grandfather,, my Great Great Grandfater my Great Grandfather also a couple of his brothers plus a grave these are all relatives of my father,, I have also got so far with my dads mums side, and my mums mums (my nan) side of the family, all on Genes reunited and looking up parish registars and census's which is very interesting, but now I am stuck with my Poppa (my mums dad) I have all my pops details except his actual birth certifact which I must get,, as we know nothing about his Parents or his brother for that matter either,, but I will keep on looking