Tuesday, October 18


ok its a long word for me and one i didn't understand until a couple of weeks ago, see what Wikipedia says here .. its basically where you go over and over things in a vicious circle in your head most of which are all negative emotions.

Since my CBT sessions started about 6-7 weeks ago but been 5 times and 1 phone call i have learnt over the years i have become a habitual ruminator.. It's a horrid thing to have, but can be made worse in certian situations, I know for many years that i have kinda been unhappy but never really knew why, put it down to lots of things to do with me or my partner, but a series of events in my Child hood has lead to my future of most things being negative and mostly my fault.

I have been living with this great guy and I know he is, for the past 26 years, I met him when i was 15 and he was 17, were been engaged 22 years now, but we have ended up in circles countless times.

we have blamed it on all sorts of things even having a son born with CHD, partner building a home, outside factors with family members all sorts, but with me having my panic attack at the drs lots has come out, mostly my past but i do have this negativity now in the present and i dont want it in my furture..

Now this man i live with, his a typical country lad, worked on a farm since he was 14, but his Childhood was far far worse than mine, parents split up when he was 18 months old, his sisters 6-7 years older than him were the care givers as mum worked, so any loving he got was sisterly love, never motherly or father, and never experience partental love like seeing his parents cuddle like I did, his father was also a bad man but wont bput on here why.. so as a result this lad i live with has issues, and is emotionless, tactless when is comes to talking as he cannot and wont open up, wont tell me much at all.. but recently we did have a talk i needed some reassuance that were were ok, this happens when you have a negative mind, but when you don't get the reassuance it gets upsetting, its not his fault or mine, but between him being tactless in saying things how he feels, and me jumping to conculsions i had it in my head that he wanted our relationship to end., Although he never said that at all thats my mind jumping to the conclusion and this circulating my mind in a spiral.. I am being taught different mind games of distraction like doing something else, breathing excercises, listening to music to focus the mind,..

But after speaking with theapist yesterday she reassured me that although us talking did not actually reach any conclusion about us safe in our relationship, he does love me in his own way he can show even if it appears cold to me he does love me and struggles to show it, but he opened up that he has deep issue that he may need to talk to someone about.. I want to help him as i think if he address's his issues as well as me, then i think we can move on a little better, but i am not allowed to be pushy, all i can do is say to him maybe in a few weeks time (as he as only addressed his issues) that i have a number he can use to do a self referal, thus bypassing any dr, but for now i will continue with my therapy and talking, also my mind altering thoughts this may help my partner too, his willing to listen which is good and the therapist say's that my partners wants me to carry on talking, yes its going to be hard some days but it will get better i am sure..

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